As some of you may have seen, a few days ago I posted a little blashphema (definitely a word) about my life on Instagram. I opened with this prayer by a man named Thomas Merton, we're close friends ;)
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone." (I bolded a few key phrases.)
This prayer was introduced to me by someone met a few years ago and it occasionally pops into my head, usually when I am feeling as if I am supporting the whole world on my back. On March 16, 2016, I was accepted to study abroad in Spain this fall! And I could not have been more ecstatic. Living in another country, away from home no less (no worry rents, I still love you, but I like being independent), studying another language and becoming fully immersed with the goal of becoming a Spanish Immersion Teacher, trying new foods, meeting new people, and traveling. All of these things sound great, right?! Well they did to me too. But as the time nears for me to leave (August 30th) I start feeling more and more anxious. I've been feeling as though I am in the ocean during a storm and just when I think I am going to get the chance to come up for a breath another wave crashes over me and pushes me farther and farther away from the surface.
A couple of days ago I listened to a sermon on line about living an anxiety free life. Psh okay, yeah right. Anxiety free life? Yeah, not possible. Sorry Mr. Preacher-man, but you're nuts. But wait, he then goes on to explain that we have no reasons to worry or be anxious or afraid. (Luke 12:22-34) Jesus lifts that anxiety from us, just like our sins, if we allow him. The pastor then goes on to point out that a fog that covers 7 city blocks equals less than a glass of water. A fog that covers 7 city blocks equals less than a glass of water! Yet that fog has the capacity to shut down the whole city. How similar is anxiety to that? Something that seems so small, like leaving to another country for 3 1/2 months, can shut down someone's entire life.
Going back to Thomas' prayer; I have NO idea where I'm going. Yes, I'm physically going to Sevilla, Spain for a semester to study Spanish. I will get there by airplane, train, and car. But where am I going emotionally, spiritually, even mentally? Life is filled with "I don't knows" and these passed few weeks I've been drowning in "I don't knows". I'm halfway through college and I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up", other than a wife and a mommy (to 30,000 children.) I don't know how I'm going to afford college, but does anyone really? I'm a Christian, but I don't know if I can continually trust God with MY life. I DON'T KNOW!
But there is one thing that I know and that is the fact that God has this path laid out for my life and He's waiting for me to follow Him down that path.
Now I want to explain to you the difference between anxious and eager, because I often hear people confusing the two asking me if I'm anxious to leave for Spain, when they really mean eager. Yes I'm VERY anxious! And because I know my HS English teacher would be proud on this little grammar lesson :)
Anxious(dictionary.com): full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous--> or in Michaela's words; nervous
Eager (dictionary.com): Keen or ardent in desire or feeling; impatiently longing--> or again in my words; excited.
In the definition of 'eager' when it uses the word longing, does that remind anyone else of the Full House episode when Viper (DJ's newest boyfriend and Uncle Jesse's newest guitarist) is singing the line "longing for home" over and over again, trying to gain Uncle Jesse's approval. Longing for home. I have the feeling that in the next few months I am going to be longing for my home here in the Mitten. I know Spain is going to be the greatest opportunity of my life and that God has great things in store, but Ma, Pa, even you Little Guy, I'll miss y'all lots. But not only will I be longing for my home here, but also throughout my life I have been and will be continuing to long for my home with my Abba Father.
So, to those of you who have been patient enough to read through and keep up with my jumbled thoughts, thank you mucho! And I invite you to join me as I spit out my thoughts on things and also as I journey to Spain! (I'll try to give you, at least, weekly updates. Hopefully) Much love!
P.S. La Luz de Esperanza means The Light of Hope in Spanish. And I found it fitting to title my first ever blog in Spanish and I love the word Esperanza.
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